At the beginning of Trunderworld, Lara has a boss fight with a giant Kraken. This isn’t even mentioning her whole animal problem. In Tomb Raider: Anniversary there were several amusing moments when she was forced to kill human boss characters, and after every single one, she’d always look at her hands in an insane, grief-stricken, “What kind of monster have I become?”, kind of way. Most of her villains are really just trying to steal the treasures before she can, and many of them are clearly significantly less wealthy than her. But the main reason why it’s hard to sympathise with her is because she’s.well.evil.
Part of it is her face: they’ve made an effort to keep her general appearance consistent with the days when she was depicted in '90s rendering (by today’s standards the computer graphics equivalent of Fuzzy Felt), and now, alongside more realistic characters, her face looks like a dinner plate with some paper cut-outs arranged on it. The more games that pass, the more clear it becomes to me that Lara Croft is a completely unlikeable character. In fact, towards the end I was considering slitting my own throat with the game box just because pressing the off button would have taken slightly longer. The answer to that last question I eventually discovered, absolutely bloody no one. The story follows on from Tomb Raider: Legend, which I haven’t played, so I spent the whole game trying to figure out what was going on and who I was supposed to care about. And there’s this evil lady who blows up Lara’s house because.er.I guess she really doesn’t want Lara to find her mum. Only she isn’t really, she’s just stuck in the afterlife. Tomb Raider: Underworld’s story goes as follows: Lara’s looking for her mum, who is dead. They’ve got so much in common: they’ve both had an embarrassing number of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula, they both have an irresistible compulsion to murder God’s creatures, they’ve both spent a lot of time underground, and most importantly, neither of them will ever just fucking die! But if she did choose to settle down, I’ve got a perfect candidate for a husband - Jason Voorhees.
They usually end up either dead or carrying her shopping. Not that men ever seem to do very well around Lara Croft.
TOMB RAIDER UNDERWORLD COSTUME SERIES
That’s also a reasonable explanation for why this series is still going, because any cover art that shows off a decent enough pair of perky nips directly penetrates the primitive part of the male brain, and awkward nerds have to find a powerful instinct to club the game with a jawbone and drag it into a cave by its hair. And yet the academic world continue to let her run amok, probably because a) academics are basically the alpha males of the nerd pack, and b) Lara Croft is built like a giant bong with two footballs nailed to it. When she’s not putting her foot through inestimably valuable samples of ancient pottery, she’s stealing every slightly shiny thing that was ever buried with some royal dead guy and hoarding them in her basement. And so once again we slip into the D-cups of Lara Croft, world’s worst archaeologist.
0 kommentar(er)
